Rapport

Ok, let’s talk a bit about rapport. To me, rapport is when your target feels comfortable around you, trusts you and feels a connection with you.

It’s vital for rapport to be created in order to be consistently successful in PU.

However just like attraction, you cannot MAKE anyone feel rapport. You cannot MAKE anyone feel comfortable around you nor can you MAKE anyone trust you. And you definitely cannot MAKE anyone feel a connection with you.

As soon as you try to make someone trust you, you behave like someone who cannot be trusted. Imagine a used car salesman you just met telling you:

“There’s nothing wrong with this car. Absolutely nothing at all! Trust me!”

The first thing you’ll think is “OK, what’s wrong with this car?”

The same if you try to make some one feel comfortable around you. Think back to when you were alone with a girl and she was nervous. You try to calm her down by saying “It’s OK, just relax, it’ll be all right.”

Then the chick immediately starts thinking “Why? What’s he going to do to me?”

As soon as you try to make someone feel comfortable around you is when you start to make people nervous.

You’ll get pretty much the same way results if you try to make someone feel a connection with you.

Again just as with attraction, it’s confusing and counter-intuitive, isn’t it?

So now the million-dollar question:

How do we create the trust, comfort and connection with our targets?

Just as emulating the qualities of attractive people generates attraction, rapport is generated by emulating the qualities of people we trust, feel comfortable around and have a connection with.

So let’s take a look at how we behave around our family, good friends and lovers. These are people we have rapport with. Then we’ll compare that with people we don’t have rapport with, namely strangers.

Let’s start with trust and comfort.

Have you ever observed how 2 strangers talk to each other?

They stand face to face with some distance in between them. That distance is what society refers to as “personal space.” We are taught from early childhood to respect the personal space of others. Strangers make sure they don’t get into the other’s personal space. The topic of discussion is usually something neutral and serious. You also noticed that they are tense around each other and not completely relaxed. They are usually concerned about saying the right thing and not offending the other or doing something that will leave a bad impression on the other. And they definitely aren’t touching each other.

Now compare this with how 2 best friends or lovers interact with each other. They stand or sit next to each other. They’re in each other’s personal spaces. They’re completely relaxed and comfortable around each other. The topic of discussion is usually personal, it could be very serious or humorous. They might be cracking jokes and having fun together. These 2 aren’t worried about saying the right thing or doing something that will leave a bad impression, because they already know each other. And if they’re lovers then they certainly aren’t afraid of touching or getting sensual with each other.

If you want your target to feel trust and comfort around you then you have to behave like someone she could trust and feel comfortable around. That means you have to get in her personal space. You can’t be worried about saying the wrong thing or leaving a bad impression. You have to touch her, talk about personal things with her, laugh and have fun with her and most importantly, you have to relax and be comfortable yourself around her.

You have to behave exactly as her lover would behave around her.

Now let’s discuss this thing called connection. A connection is something you feel towards someone that you believe knows and understands you and you know and understand that person.

So in order to have a connection with your target, you have to get to know and understand her and she has to get to know and understand you.

How do we do this?

I call it qualifying. Qualifying is finding out if your target has the qualities you are looking for. In order to do this you have to first know what qualities you are looking for in a woman. This is one of the questions from the Natural Game –Basics section.

So how do we go about qualifying? How do you find out if women have the qualities you are looking for?

The biggest mistake I see most guys do is asking women straight out without getting specific. For instance, I read about a lot of guys who go around asking women if they are adventurous. So what is adventurous?

Suppose you are buying a used car. Not that I’m comparing picking up women to buying a used car!

But this is just to show demonstrate where guys go wrong when trying to get to know a woman.

OK so you see a car that you like and you talk to the salesman. Now do you just ask him straight out if everything is OK with the car?

No of course not! Because if you do, he will just say “Yes” and you will learn nothing about the car. Following the same line of thinking, it’s like asking the salesman if he’s trustworthy. Ridiculous.

Instead you want to find out everything about the car that you can so there are no hidden surprises after you already paid for it. You want a clear demonstration that the car is fully functional.

Getting back to PU, you need to know what specific qualities you are looking for, then you give her a chance to demonstrate those qualities.

So if you, like me, enjoy traveling and want to know if she likes doing the same then talk about traveling and let her do the same. For example, talk about some of your most memorable trips and let her talk about hers.

Tell stories in VIVID details, paint up scenarios and pictures for her to imagine herself in. The more details that you can put up, the better she’ll be able to understand what you’re talking about, the better she’ll be able to understand you and the easier she’ll be able to connect with you. Which is exactly what you want.

When you qualify like this and get down to specific details, you will start to see her for the unique creature she is. The best part is she will want to do the same with you, when she sees that you are not asking the same old boring crap that most guys talk about, “Where you from?”, “What do you do? “, etc.

Now when she understands that you are getting to know her for who she is, that you are trying to connect with her, she is able to trust you and feels comfortable around you, then she will feel a connection with you. And if you add her feeling attraction for you into the equation, then she will feel a sexual connection with you.

keeping the conversation flowing.

As far as interactions go, Juggler says something powerful in this regard. You’re the sun shining on all those around you. You’re warm, friendly and giving. People bask in your light. If they appreciate it, great, if not, great, there will be other people who will.

I think it’s always best to start with reality. So, above I discussed one technique of how to make powerful impressions. You yourself said it’s important to treat yourself kindly. I think that’s crucial. In fact I’d say that’s probably the most important thing of all, because once you treat yourself with kindness, you will pretty much automatically treat everybody else the same way. Kindness is very powerful.

But how to bring across your kindness in a specific interaction?

I’ll walk you through specific steps as to how to connect with women and people in general through specific skills as taught by Charismaarts:

First off, your VIBE — your PRESENCE

Think of what would make YOU comfortable. How would somebody have to behave around you to make you comfortable. Do that. Watch other people who are good at this. Learn by observation.

BODY LANGUAGE: Stand up straight, arms by your sides. It feels very vulnerable and uncomfortable at first but vulnerability is the point. If you’re standing there with arms crossed or all fidgety you’ll probably make her feel defensive and fidgety. If you’re vulnerable that shows strength. Only confident people allow themselves to be vulnerable. This may seem counter intuitive but go with me here.

EYE CONTACT: Look her in the eye when you say something to her. Don’t stare, but confidently look at her, especially when you’re listening.

SMILE: However, don’t be weird PERMA GRIN GUY. When you listen to her, stop smiling, just have a face of quiet expectancy, and look at her. When you speak be expressive and smile. The idea is to be dynamic.

Okay now as to SPECIFIC CONVERSATION SKILLS:

MAKE IT PERSONAL — – I Statements and YOU questions

What’s an I-Statement?

A major part of the Juggler method lies in making people comfortable enough to allow them to share their unique qualities. An instructor I know says: “Everybody’s interesting. It’s my business to bring that out in them”.

I’ll give you three specific ways on how do to that: I-Statements, OEQs and The Vacuum:

I-Statements: The idea here is that you share who you are and this will make people comfortable sharing who they are.

These statements are as SPECIFIC as possible and genuine. You talk in a relatable way about what you truly care about. Example: “I love skiing. I skied almost every day growing up. I love the feel of the wind in my face and the rush of the speed”. Here’s another one. “I enjoy walking in the surf. I like the feel of the cold water on my bare feet, the heat of the sun on my back and the salty air in my nose. It relaxes me.”

In both these statements she gets a feel for what kind of a person you are.

Next: OEQ (Open ended questions):

In order to find out about her you ask her OEQs. These questions are as GENERIC as possible: “How, what, why?”

Examples:
What do you like about basket ball?
How did that feel?
What’s Paris like?
Why?

If you share with her who you are through I-Statements and ask her Open Ended Questions chances are you’ll get to something that truly excites you and that you can SOI her on. So, there it is.

Oops, one last ingredient: The famous “Vacuum”.

After you ask a big question there may be a tendency on your part to fill in the empty space as she thinks about an answer. Don’t. Look at her with quiet expectancy. Look into her eyes to possibly build sexual energy. The vacuum is powerful. If she balks, just ask her a smaller question. i.e. “What do you think of traveling?” “Oh, I don’t know”. “Well, what was the last place you traveled to?” However, do not go on “questions trains”, meaning don’t keep asking questions. If you don’t get anything just answer your own question and either vacuum to see what she might want to say next or ask another OEQ.

I hope this helps.

One last thing to keep in mind: Have the conversation be about 50-50. You do 50 percent of the talking and so does she.

In that post I also addressed as to how to get out of the “Friend Zone” and make it sexual by SOI’ing a girl.

How to Communicate with your emotions

Here Is how it goes.

Facts—>Feelings—>Values—->Vulnerabilities.

So most of the time, people only get into light rapport because they keep describing facts, things that have an existence in the material world. “Oh, I went shopping this morning”, “I just bought a new car!”, “Did you see that new TV show yesterday?” etc. If you talk like this all the time it can get boring quickly, also you have to keep looking for new facts all the time, and you need to find facts that interest whoever it is you are talking to.

To go a little deeper, you can start talking about how you FEEL about a particular fact. “Oh, I went shopping this morning, I really love looking at the clothes, so many different colors!”, “I just bought a new car! Driving it made me realize how important it is to work hard in my job so that I can pay it off.”, “Did you see that new TV show yesterday? I laughed so hard at the little girl with the penguin on her head.” As you can see, you always have some kind of feeling about anything, so you can always do this with any fact that you start off with. Keep in mind that people tend to think about feeling whatever emotion you are describing, so you should prefer describing positive emotions, like happiness, or arousal, etc.

The next level is values. WHY do you feel whatever it is that you feel? “Oh, I went shopping this morning, I really love looking at the clothes, so many different colors! It’s amazing to me how many different perspectives there are in the world. I would never have imagined some of the shapes that I saw, that’s why I love new experiences, because you always learn something new, sometimes things that you never imagined ever existed before, for example, I remember the first time I fell in love, it was soo …” and on and on. I leave the other two as exercises for you guys. Post your answers in the responses. By the time you get to the values level, this is deep stuff. People brush down to the feelings level every now and then, it is rare for anyone to ever get down to the values level. If you are able to take her down here and keep her here for a while, she will never forget you.

One of the reasons why she won’t forget you is that she probably doesn’t quite know what her values are. That’s normal, almost no one does. Women in general however tend to be particularly confused. This is because the society matrix has imposed many contradictory values upon her, so she doesn’t know which values are important or whether she should be following them at all.

In order to get to the values level however, you need to know your own values. This is something that cannot be taught. You have to find them for yourself. Your values are uniquely YOURS, they can and should be at least a little different from others. Your choice of values will determine how effective you are at living life. For example, if you value focusing on your task until you get it done, you will probably do well. If you value never doing anything you might screw up in, you probably won’t. She wants to find a source of certainty in her life. If you have a good set of values and you believe in them strongly, and you can project that faith into her, if you get her to believe in you, she will follow you. No amount of money, no amount of sex appeal, will turn her away from you.

More about the even more important level of vulnerabilities some other time ..