Donatello´s nest

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How to Communicate with your emotions

Here Is how it goes.

Facts—>Feelings—>Values—->Vulnerabilities.

So most of the time, people only get into light rapport because they keep describing facts, things that have an existence in the material world. “Oh, I went shopping this morning”, “I just bought a new car!”, “Did you see that new TV show yesterday?” etc. If you talk like this all the time it can get boring quickly, also you have to keep looking for new facts all the time, and you need to find facts that interest whoever it is you are talking to.

To go a little deeper, you can start talking about how you FEEL about a particular fact. “Oh, I went shopping this morning, I really love looking at the clothes, so many different colors!”, “I just bought a new car! Driving it made me realize how important it is to work hard in my job so that I can pay it off.”, “Did you see that new TV show yesterday? I laughed so hard at the little girl with the penguin on her head.” As you can see, you always have some kind of feeling about anything, so you can always do this with any fact that you start off with. Keep in mind that people tend to think about feeling whatever emotion you are describing, so you should prefer describing positive emotions, like happiness, or arousal, etc.

The next level is values. WHY do you feel whatever it is that you feel? “Oh, I went shopping this morning, I really love looking at the clothes, so many different colors! It’s amazing to me how many different perspectives there are in the world. I would never have imagined some of the shapes that I saw, that’s why I love new experiences, because you always learn something new, sometimes things that you never imagined ever existed before, for example, I remember the first time I fell in love, it was soo …” and on and on. I leave the other two as exercises for you guys. Post your answers in the responses. By the time you get to the values level, this is deep stuff. People brush down to the feelings level every now and then, it is rare for anyone to ever get down to the values level. If you are able to take her down here and keep her here for a while, she will never forget you.

One of the reasons why she won’t forget you is that she probably doesn’t quite know what her values are. That’s normal, almost no one does. Women in general however tend to be particularly confused. This is because the society matrix has imposed many contradictory values upon her, so she doesn’t know which values are important or whether she should be following them at all.

In order to get to the values level however, you need to know your own values. This is something that cannot be taught. You have to find them for yourself. Your values are uniquely YOURS, they can and should be at least a little different from others. Your choice of values will determine how effective you are at living life. For example, if you value focusing on your task until you get it done, you will probably do well. If you value never doing anything you might screw up in, you probably won’t. She wants to find a source of certainty in her life. If you have a good set of values and you believe in them strongly, and you can project that faith into her, if you get her to believe in you, she will follow you. No amount of money, no amount of sex appeal, will turn her away from you.

More about the even more important level of vulnerabilities some other time ..

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January 16, 2009 - Posted by | Keeping the Conversation flowing | , , , , , , ,

5 Comments »

  1. I found this article interesting, and I’m fascinated about the lack of the “vulnerabilities” – leave ’em wanting for more, eh?

    Although I agree with almost every part of your article, I have to say that I am curious what the fact level has to do with rapport, or lack thereof?

    Remaining at the content chunk “facts” is not a rapport prohibitor, if the other person is already at that level! It does however, as you write, prevent you from building deep connections with the girl. Yes, moving to feelings, then values (OR straight to values) will most certainly help facilitate bonding.

    Talking about facts is BORING and quickly runs dry, unless you are immensely creative. It does so because it is extremely specific?

    Talking about feelings and values opens the door to more rewarding and flexible conversations, as these are highly chunked levels of information that are open to extreme translation and susceptible to transderivational searches, yes?

    Comment by Anders Tryka (The Powerful Connections Guy) | February 10, 2009

  2. Vulnerabilities, quite simply dont be too perfect. Show a human side, instead of being a super perfect person. If you are trying to be this Super perfect person then you are put quite simply, just trying too hard and over valueing her. In place of that talk about your fears, worries, just dont drag the convo into a negative vibe for too long. Maybe your fear of cats (true in my case) or that your anxiouse about your exam results becuase exam X did not go so well (maybe true in a students case). Maybe your concerns about the global economic crisis and how it may effect new graduates?…

    Comment by Donatello | February 11, 2009

  3. On the question of vulnerability:

    Be vulnerable enough to feel as though you have taken a risk, but not so vulernable that you lust for result. In other words you should feel open, but not so open that you are trying to get validation for some inferior part of your personnality.

    No matter what happens, reward yourself for having put yourself on the line.

    Comment by loerez | February 28, 2009

  4. Just passing by.Btw, you website have great content!

    ______________________________
    Don’t pay for your electricity any longer…
    Instead, the power company will pay YOU!

    Comment by Mike | March 2, 2009

  5. It is very much about not trying to be too perfect, faultless some sort of superman – super hero. If you a ppear to be too perfect you may very well just push yourself into the stratosphere and demonstrate way too much value and thus over DHV.

    Appear to be normal, have some flaws, So what if your scared of cats or spiders, or what ever your imperfections are, Maybe its you fart in bed. So What!

    Comment by Donatello | March 2, 2009


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